The first stage of dating begins with a sense of excitement and eagerness to learn about each other. Many of us enter into a relationship with the hope that this “may be the one”. There are many internet dating services that make promises of finding the right partner for you. This can certainly happen and for a few, it’s been a very successful way of finding “the one”. When we’ve been out of a relationship for a while, we may be so eager to begin one that we tend to overlook some red flags from the onset. Fear without a partner rather than true connection, could motivate one to immediately enter into a relationship.
Ending a relationship and entering into a brand new one almost immediately, does not give one the opportunity to process and understand what went wrong in your previous relationship. In my experience of working with couples for the last three decades, I have found that patterns repeat themselves in new relationships when we haven’t taken a good look at our part in the break-up. The end of a relationship oftentimes leaves us feeling hurt, disappointed and vulnerable. At a time when we are most vulnerable, it is understandable to be blindsided by some red flags that the other may be presenting in a new relationship. For example, if your new partner appears to lie to other people, it is likely they will do the same to you. If they drink too much, you might think, it’s just this one time while we are out. If your partner speaks poorly of others and has a bad temper, it is likely within time they will treat you the same way.
If for example this person speaks poorly of their previous relationship without taking any ownership of their own part, it’s a sign that they have not fully processed nor had the opportunity to work in therapy and understand their responsibility. On the flip side, they may revere their ex-partner and see no faults and believe they are totally to blame for the break-up. We tend to ignore some of these red flags because WE do not want to feel the hurt from the previous break-up, therefore put blinders on and rationalize and make excuses for them. When we are desperate we accept behavior that is unacceptable and overlook all the red flags. Observing and taking mental note of how they treat others is important because eventually they will treat you the same.
It is difficult to live through a break-up, especially if you were not the one who initiated the termination. We cannot gain self esteem through others. Self esteem has to come from within. Deriving your sense of self through another person leaves one very vulnerable with the message “you can control me”. If you are going through a break-up, or alone at this time, It is an excellent opportunity to work on your needs and to surround yourself amongst good friends and family. Join a gym, write in your journal, attend a class, try therapy, and allow time to heal. Jumping from one relationship to another also known as a rebound, is just one way of masking hurt and pain and oftentimes repeating the same patterns of the past.
At the Hellenic Therapy Center, 567 Park Avenue, Scotch Plains, NJ, we have a team of licensed professionals available day, evening and weekend hours.
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