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Can I Change My Partner?

January 26, 2019


Couples oftentimes look to change the “other”. “If only” the other would make
these changes, or do as I say, our relationship would be great. We tend to focus
on the other. We tend to focus on changing the other. We tend to focus on the
other’s negative behavior. Couples like to report what their spouse/partner is
doing and how they are contributing to their unhappiness. As we focus and
ruminate about the “other”, we are no longer able to take ownership regarding
our own part in the relationship. How am I adding to this problem in our
relationship? What can I do to change my own behavior?

A relationship is a set of inter-dependent parts and therefore, if you change one
part and keep it consistent, within time the other may change. It is not necessary
to treat “a couple” in order to promote change. Change in one person,
oftentimes results in change in the couple and the entire family system. If you
begin to respond differently to the relationship, you will see a change in the

It is often not so simple to look to “Self”. We often have to understand what is
underneath the knee jerk reactions we have with our spouse/partner. What
triggers do they evoke? Most of the time, 90% of what we react to, has to do with
the past, and 10% with the present. For example: do I have a past history of loss?
If so, how does that play out in my current relationship? Our past experiences
oftentimes influence how we behave today. Understanding “Self” is a lifelong
process. Getting to know yourself well and understanding your triggers and what
works and doesn’t work for you, can lead to feelings of happiness and self-

Change your focus. It’s not about him/her. It’s about you! Change you and you
will see remarkable improvements.


At The Hellenic Therapy Center, 567 Park Avenue, Scotch Plains, NJ, we have a
team of licensed professionals available day, evening and weekend hours. Call us
at 908-322-0112, or visit us at www.hellenictherapy.com, FB

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