Which Marriages Make It?

Building blocks of a marriage that lasts

When looking to build a future with a partner, people tend to follow some combination of what they think they want (i.e. common interests, aligned goals for the future, similar beliefs and backgrounds) – and what they are feeling (physical attraction, emotional connection, “butterflies”, etc.). Our beliefs about the kind of relationship we want are likely influenced by various factors. These include what we saw and experienced growing up, the norms of our culture and social circle, and what we see and learn from the media.

But if we really want to make a relationship work in the long term, research tells us that the things that bring people together may not be the ones that make marriage last. Here is what those things really are:

• Truly knowing each other. Knowing your partner’s hopes and worries, holding a map to their inner world, sets the foundation for closeness.

• Feeling and expressing fondness and admiration. When partners show each other care and respect, are grateful for one another’s efforts, and express genuine happiness at being together, love can grow and thrive.

• An attitude of “us against the world”. Trust and commitment – knowing that your partner will show up for you, that you both have each other’s backs, that the partner and the relationship are prioritized, and that you are a unit against any adversity that may come your way – form a secure base on which to build.

• Repairing in conflict. It is not a lack of disagreement that makes a relationship healthy – the key to success is in knowing how to continue to listen and communicate even in the face of disagreement, to hear each other’s viewpoint, take breaks when needed, and soothe oneself and one’s partner.

• Shared meaning. Having a common view of the importance of work and family, visions on the role of money and sexual intimacy, and shared rituals and traditions are essential elements of a relationship that can stand the test of time.

• “Turning towards” bids. Life together is filled with many “bids” each day – telling a partner a joke, asking for a hug, pointing out something they find interesting. In healthy relationships, partners mostly turn towards those bids – paying attention, responding, expanding on the connection – instead of ignoring them or responding with anger or hostility.

• Five-to-one ratio of positive to negative. Research has shown that in couples who stay happily married in the long term, there is a ratio of at least five positive interactions for every negative one. Simple, everyday positive moments – smiling at each other, expressing appreciation, showing kindness, being considerate, sharing fun and humor – add up to counteract moments of disagreement or adversity.

• Physical affection. While there is a lot of variation in people’s need and desire for physical closeness, successful couples are aligned in giving each other the type and amount of physical affection that makes each partner feel connected and loved.

• Avoiding the “Four Horsemen”. Relationship researcher John Gottman has identified four behavior patterns that are most destructive to relationships:

  • Criticism – attacking a partner’s character rather than addressing needs and behaviors.

  • Defensiveness – refusing to take any accountability and placing blame squarely on the other person.

  • Stonewalling – shutting down interaction, such as refusing to discuss issues or giving the silent treatment.

  • Contempt – the most serious of the four horsemen, contempt behaviors communicate disrespect or even disgust through actions such as eye-rolling, sarcasm, insults, or mockery.

The Good News About Lasting Marriages

The good news is that healthy, well-functioning marriages are built over time, not born overnight. Every relationship has its own set of strengths as well as weaknesses, and taking a good look at what those are and working together to improve key attitudes and behaviors can help build a loving, fulfilling marriage that stands the test of time. Working with a therapist who is skilled at evaluating relationship characteristics and guiding partners to work towards improved communication, conflict resolution, and intimacy can help couples grow and thrive, no matter what their starting point.

At The Hellenic Therapy Center, 567 Park Avenue, Scotch Plains, NJ, we have a team of licensed professionals available day, evening and weekend hours. Send us an email at maria@hellenictherapy.com or call us at 908-322-0112.