Never Go To Bed Angry?

The History of a Relationship Truism

The relationship advice to never go bed angry has been around for ages, and over time has taken on the air of a truism akin to “Drink plenty of water” and “Drive carefully”. But if you have ever had an emotional argument with your partner late in the evening, when you were exhausted and emotionally drained, you may have wondered if pushing through the argument was worth it or if it would be better to approach it again after you have rested. Many relationship experts will tell you that there are times when it is best to hit the pause button on your argument and go to bed – but with a caveat.

The Science Behind Not Going to Bed Angry

The folk wisdom of not going to bed angry certainly has some evidence in its corner. Even if you are exhausted, going to bed after an unresolved argument is not likely to lead to great quality sleep. Someone who struggles with conflict or who has difficulty falling asleep in the first place may end up with very disrupted sleep and heightened anxiety through the night and possibly into the next day, so it is important to know yourself and your partner when making this decision; if your partner is tossing and turning and ruminating on the argument all night long, they may be in an even worse place to resolve it the next day.

Additionally, the biological process of sleep can create a consolidation of thoughts and emotions, so even if you do sleep, the anger has the potential to fester and harden overnight.

Another scenario is that you go to sleep, wake up, go on with your day, and then end up sweeping the issue under the rug, often only to have it resurface at a later time but with added resentment at having festered longer.

When "Powering Through" Becomes Counterproductive

Sometimes, however, the pitfalls of insisting on “not going to bed angry” at all costs are greater than those of going against the folk wisdom. If you are emotionally exhausted, your fuse may be shorter and your ability to think before you speak may be lowered; remember that once you say something especially hurtful, even a heartfelt apology isn’t a rewind button, so if there is a danger that you might say things that you regret, it may be best to take some time, cool off and recharge with some sleep.

The same goes for if you are just too tired to think straight in a situation that requires problem-solving and compromise. For someone who is a people-pleaser and is afraid of conflict in a relationship, trying to stick to not going to bed angry as a rule can lead to suppressing one’s feelings and giving in just to make peace, creating more problems and resentment in the long run.

How to Pause an Argument Safely

In these instances, trying to force a resolution before bed can be counterproductive, and it may be best to shelf the argument for the night – but with two important caveats:

1. Make it clear that you will work to resolve it in the next day or two.

2. Provide each other with some reassurance. “I’m sorry we are arguing and you’re hurting, I love you and we will work this out” can go a long way towards taking down the stress to a manageable level and keeping the anger, hurt, and resentment from building up overnight.

   
   

If you have a goodnight ritual like a kiss or a hug, try to still do that – the physical contact calms stress hormones and makes a positive statement to your partner.

When Unresolved Conflict Triggers Deep Anxiety

Some people find that not resolving a conflict with their partner right away creates an unbearable amount of anxiety for them – to the point that they would rather give in and make concessions that they don’t feel comfortable with just to resolve the argument, or their anxiety escalates overnight and does not abate until the conflict is resolved. This may point to a trauma history or unhealthy dynamics within the relationship and would benefit from work with a mental health professional.

At The Hellenic Therapy Center, 567 Park Avenue, Scotch Plains, NJ we have a team of licensed professionals with day, evening, and weekend hours available for individual, couples, or family therapy. Please visit us at www.hellenictherapy.com, FaceBook or Instagram. Call us at 908-322-0112 for further information.