ADHD and Relationships: The Good, The Bad, And The Action Steps

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder – or ADHD – is a neurodevelopmental condition that can impact all areas of an individual’s life. This includes aspects such as ADHD and relationships, including work, family, friendships, and romantic relationships. ADHD is considered a disability for legal purposes and is a diagnosis in the DSM-5.

However, it is also under the umbrella of what is increasingly referred to as neurodivergence. This is a recognition that certain brain structures, such as those of people with ADHD, differ from what is “typical”. These differences include both strengths and weaknesses.

This perspective holds for relationships where one individual has ADHD and the other does not: some strengths stem from the neurodivergence of the ADHD partner as well as weaknesses. To make the relationship work, each partner needs to recognize both aspects and work with the way that the other person thinks, feels, and functions.

Common ADHD-Related Behaviors in Relationships

While every person with ADHD is unique, with their own strengths and challenges – as is every neurotypical person studies and surveys have shown that there are some specific characteristics and behaviors that are common in couples where one partner has ADHD and the other does not. Partners with ADHD commonly exhibit some of the following:

• Frequent lateness.

• Difficulty completing tasks and chores.

• Appearing distracted, interrupting, and/or not listening or remembering things their partner has told them.

• Hyperfocus on an interest or project to the detriment of the partner’s needs.

• Intense emotional reactions; quick to get angry or frustrated; a “short fuse”.

• Impulsive decision-making or risky behaviors.

Non-ADHD Partner Reactions

In response to common ADHD-related behaviors, the non-ADHD partner may exhibit:

• Frequent nagging about forgotten chores, missed appointments, or neglected responsibilities.

• Criticism and blame; attributing challenging behaviors to laziness or selfishness rather than brain function.

• Resentment overtaking on a larger share of responsibilities.

• Taking on the role of “parent” and treating the ADHD partner like a child.

ADHD and Relationships: Strategies for Partners

Although a partner’s ADHD has the potential to cause damage to a relationship, there are many things that a couple can do – individually and together – to overcome the challenges and make the relationship more resilient. The partner with ADHD can:

• Learn about ADHD in general and their own ADHD specifically. This can either be through a formal assessment or through informal personal reflection or therapy.

• Be open to feedback from their partner about how the ADHD-related tendencies and behaviors impact their partner.

• Seek out information and guidance about strategies for managing their challenges. There are many books, articles, YouTube videos, and other sources of ideas and tips. Some good places to start include CHADD (Children and Adults with ADD), the ADDitude online and print magazine, and the “How to ADHD” channel on YouTube.

• Work on accepting and appreciating both the challenges and strengths of your unique brain, while taking accountability for the impact your behaviors have on others and making any needed changes.

Constructive Steps for the Non-ADHD Partner

• Remind yourself of your partner’s strengths and the reasons you fell in love with them. ADHD comes with many potential upsides; individuals with ADHD are often creative, fun, spontaneous, romantic, and energetic. Being in a partnership means taking the good with the bad.

• Learn about ADHD and your partner’s brain to gain a better understanding of the causes of their behavior.

• Avoid nagging, criticism, and blame; these behaviors erode relationships. Approach your partner with empathy, encourage them to take accountability for managing the condition, and assist with supportive strategies such as setting up reminder systems and helping them find treatment.

Working with a Therapist

It is often helpful for couples to work with a therapist who understands the neurobiology, strengths, and challenges of ADHD and can help both partners develop strategies for working with the condition as a team.

At The Hellenic Therapy Center, 567 Park Avenue, Scotch Plains, NJ we have a team of licensed professionals with day, evening, and weekend hours available for individual, couples therapy, or family therapy. Please visit us at www.hellenictherapy.com, Facebook, or Instagram. Call us at 908-322-0112 for further information.