When Your Toddler Moves into Your Bed

By Maria Sikoutris Di Iorio, MA, EdS, MFT, LPC

It often starts innocently. A toddler wakes in the middle of the night, calls for Mom or Dad, and before long, that little body is tucked into the middle of the parents’ bed. Everyone goes back to sleep, so what could be wrong with it?

For some families, nothing. Different families have different beliefs, cultures and sleeping arrangements. The more important question is whether the arrangement is working for everyone.

Toddlers naturally depend on their parents for comfort and reassurance. Nighttime can be particularly challenging because the house is dark and quiet, and a child who feels confident during the day may suddenly feel vulnerable. Climbing into Mom and Dad's bed can provide immediate security.

But when a child begins to believe, “I can't sleep unless Mom or Dad is beside me,” the situation can become more complicated. What began as comfort can become a strong dependency. The child may have difficulty learning to soothe themselves, tolerate temporary discomfort or feel secure when a parent isn't immediately available.

That doesn't mean parents should simply shut the bedroom door and tell a frightened toddler to figure it out. Children need reassurance. But reassurance and independence can exist together. A parent can say, “I know you're scared. You are safe, and I'm going to help you get comfortable in your own bed.”

Consistency matters. If a child spends some nights in their own bed and other nights in the parents' bed, depending on how tired everyone is, the child may learn that persistence eventually gets them what they want. A predictable bedtime routine, a favorite stuffed animal, a night-light and calm reassurance can help a child develop confidence in sleeping independently.

There is another relationship that can quietly be affected: the marriage.

When a toddler regularly sleeps in the parents' bed, couples can lose their private space. Conversations, physical affection, intimacy and simply having time together can become difficult. One parent may feel that the child has taken over the bedroom, while the other may feel guilty sending the child back to their own bed.

Over time, parents can also begin functioning primarily as Mom and Dad rather than as partners. The child becomes the center of the household, and the couple's relationship gets whatever time and energy are left over.

This doesn't mean that bringing your child into your bed will damage your marriage or make your child overly dependent. It means parents should periodically ask themselves: Is this working for our whole family? Is our child gaining confidence, or becoming convinced that they cannot manage without us? And are we still making room for our relationship as a couple?

Children need their parents. They also need the opportunity to discover that they can do things on their own. Helping a toddler feel safe while gradually encouraging independence is part of growing up—and part of parenting.

Sometimes loving a child means giving them your arms. And sometimes it means gently helping them learn that they can sleep without them.

At The Hellenic Therapy Center, 567 Park Avenue, Scotch Plains, New Jersey, we have a team of licensed professionals available day and evening. Please visit us at www.hellenictherapy.com or call us at 908-322-0112.